2014 in Retrospect

With 2014 coming to a close I thought it would be a good idea to sum-up 2014 with a blog post as well as provide my thoughts on what 2015 will bring. I'll probably go off topic at points as I'm writing whatever I feel like, but I'll try to keep this not too long.

2014 was a very eventful year for me and I think this year can be broken up into three main parts:

Late December/Early January-Late March 2014 were my last three cycles of chemo. Looking back at it now; the hardest part of my treatment. Especially the time from cycles 4b-5b, I just hit a roadblock. I was more tired, my body just wasn't bouncing back as easily as it did before surgery. Then I had the bladder issues, bone pain, and other nasty side effects from my treatment that I just didn't experience in the beginning. It was really demoralizing. And to add to all of the pain from the chemo, my arm was never healed from surgery and pretty painful.

The second section of the year would be from April(treatment complete) to September. This timespan I didn't have much to say about until I really thought about it the other day. Well first, I got the all clear with my scans on April 10th. A little off topic, but after going through something like cancer you have dates that you remember from the life threatening experience whatever it may be. Like for me the dates that stick out to me are, August 29th diagnosis date, September 4th-first day of chemo, December 10th-surgery day, March 21st-last day of treatment, and April 10th-cancer free. Continuing on- after receiving the all clear with my scans, and finally being cancer free I began to recover from chemo. I started getting my hair back, although it's not growing in as fast as I would have liked. It's still thin in places. If it's not good by next year at this time its getting shaved off. I refuse to put Rogaine aka miracle grow on my head. What's weird is that I have to shave my face every other day now, but before cancer it was more like once a week. In this time my arm got a little stronger, but the bone was not taking and required another surgery which set me back a little. It didn't really become obvious to me until I began noticing how much better I have gotten lately with my energy that my energy really didn't improve over the entire timespan from the end of treatment to the start of school by much. Feeling so tired for such a long time in chemo made me forget what it feels like to have so much energy like I do now. I'm not even sure how close I am to what I was before my treatment, but I feel pretty well now. Well enough that I'm going to start exercising soon, but more on that later. I enjoyed the summer. I did as much as I could with the limitations I have with my arm.

The period from September(start of school) to now could be best described as a period of change and finding my "new normal." This was much more challenging than I expected it to be. It didn't take long before I realized that I couldn't go back to how I was pre-cancer. Going back to a daily routine with returning to school really made this apparent, and it did so quickly. Within the first 2-3 weeks of school I was beat up, tired, and my performance showed this. I gave it my all to get that far, and had no energy left to give. I had to make adjustments, I couldn't just force the "old me" to come back.

I wasn't eating well enough, I wasn't resting enough, and I was studying too much. I started the semester at 140 lbs. The most obvious change I needed to make was to gain more weight, and I knew it wasn't going to be easy because it's never been for me. So I made adjustments to my diet, and since then I have gained 14 lbs! Just one pound shy of my stretch goal, but I still have a few days left in this year to do it. I feel stronger and more energetic, and I look it too. With more time out from chemotherapy the effects began to wear off, like the tiredness for example, making school a lot easier for me. I changed my study habits a little bit. I cram less now, but I never really crammed to begin with. The only times I ever crammed for anything this semester was more due to catching up on rest. I think the latest I stayed up studying was around 11 this semester, and throughout my freshman year I was regularly staying up past that time doing homework. It was rare for me to be up past 10 this semester. It's harder for me to focus on things for extended periods now so breaking things up helps me stay engaged. I needed less naps as time progressed, but realizing I needed to take them in the first place was a big help early on in the school year. Fighting the tiredness was the worst thing I could have done. When I struggled hard in the beginning everyone was telling me to not worry about it, and just getting back to school was a great accomplishment itself. But this wasn't enough for me, I needed more. I needed to do well because doing well in school has more of a symbolic meaning to me. I want to beat cancer, and I want to beat it in all ways possible. I ended up doing well in all of my classes receiving A's in all of them.

It was so important for me to return to school. I can't say this enough. Being trapped inside my house for over a year was not good. And not having anything to keep me busy made me just focus on my cancer. Even after I went into remission I was still obsessing. It didn't really change until I went back to school. I didn't have time to be looking up every research journal ever written about Ewing's sarcoma to read. I still look up the most recent news regarding my cancer like new treatments and whatnot from time to time, but it's not consuming my life like before.

If I was a puzzle before August 2013, then getting sick took me apart, and in the process destroyed some of the pieces. Once completing treatment and getting the "all clear" I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to figure out how to put myself back together. Since then I have assembled a lot of the pieces that I had left. And some of the destroyed pieces have been replaced by new ones that I have created in this challenging process. I think this will become easier as time goes on. One important thing to remember is that not all change has to be considered a loss.

Wow this is already really long! I'm going to make this a two part series. Part two won't be as long. It will be about my thoughts and expectations for the year ahead.

Merry Christmas

Happy holidays! I hope you all are enjoying the holiday season. Family and Friends are what I enjoy the most about this season. In the next day or so I'm going to update this blog to catch you up on what's been going on since my last update. I have a lot that I want to write about so stay tuned. Here's a picture from this morning before Church.

Four Month Arm Checkup

On Monday I had an x-ray and an appointment with my surgeon to check on my arm. Let me first discuss the bad, and then I'll move onto good news. A large focus of the appointment was regarding the pain I've been having in my arm. I was told that this is not normal, and she's now confident that this is attributed to the hardware rubbing in there. She's thinking that I'm going to need injections, but I should wait until I'm doing rehab to get them. This is because I can only receive so many of these injections, and my pain is going to be a lot worse when I'm actually using my arm to its fullest in rehabbing it. I shouldn't waste them now. Taking Advil 1-2 times a day is definitely not where I want to be, and I'm getting to that point now where I don't think the Advil is helping all that much. In the morning it's a constant dull ache. By the afternoon the achiness goes away, but it's still sore when I do even basic things like open a door, drive my car, raise my arm, and sometimes even just writing. And I'm icing often too.

Now the good news. My bone grafts are beginning to bridge the gap to the cadaver bone. But at this point I'm still stuck with the same restrictions(8 lbs), so no rehab yet. My strength is decent right now. I need to work on some exercises especially the internal and external rotations. I was weak on those. Flexibility is excellent. My surgeon loves seeing me lift my arm as high as my other one. It's really remarkable with how good my flexibility is. One thing I learned from the appointment is that this cadaver bone will eventually be completely enclosed by my own cells. It's going to take many years though. I was kind of caught off guard by that and now I'm wondering if I'm going to have limitations until that happens.

All things considered I'm happy that the bone graft from my surgery in late July is taking, but I really wish I didn't have this amount of pain in my arm. It's crazy that it's been over two years of having pain in my right arm now. Its almost one year of not being allowed/able to lift heavy stuff also.

The biggest change I have experienced since my last update is my energy level. I'm not taking naps as often as I was. I just feel better. Right now is the best I have felt in a long time. These last two or three weeks I have experienced my most rapid improvement in energy since I finished chemo in late March.

The better I feel, the more I realize how unready I was to go back to school this semester. Like if I would have waited to go back in the spring it would have been so much easier. Those first two months were absolutely brutal. I had to make a lot of adjustments to my daily routine, and after some time I figured out what I needed to do. I can't take all of the credit here though; my mom had some great suggestions that have helped out a lot. I've gained 11 pounds since school started, and this is the healthiest I've felt since getting off chemo. But if I were to do it again I would still return to school this fall because it mostly worked out in the end even though it was not easy.

That's about it. I see my oncologist for my nine-month scans in early January, and I see my surgeon in February for another checkup like I had on Monday. I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Six Month Scans

On Thursday I was in Philly for my six month follow-up appointment with my oncologist. I had blood-work, a CT scan of my chest, and then saw my oncologist a few hours afterwards. Good news! I'm still cancer free, and my blood levels are improving. It was a good appointment. I had my questions answered, and now I feel a little bit better about how I'm recovering so far. Let me explain.

The first question I had was about the whole sterility thing. (I discussed this in my last blog post if you want to read more about that.) My oncologist at first kind of freaked out because he couldn't remember if I stored or not. I have to say that this issue was not really pushed on to me by Penn before starting chemo. If it wasn't for my mom I may have never stored a sample, and I would be in a very bad spot right now. But as far as my last analysis he told me that this does happen, and it could improve, but like everything else it's going to take time if it ever does come back. He suggested to retest in a year.

This next one I wouldn't have mentioned because I'm kind of embarrassed of it, but my mom did and I'm glad she did. It's about the issues I'm having with concentration, and I guess to put it bluntly; using my brain. I told him how I have difficulty multitasking. It takes me a longer time to do the same tasks that I used to do before cancer. And when there is pressure on me I blank out... not frequently, but pretty often. I'll be midway through a long sentence, and lose focus on what I'm saying sometimes making for a pretty awkward situation. Now his response to what I explained is that he's had a lot of his Ewing's patients experience this after getting through treatment. This made me feel better knowing that; No, I'm not going crazy, other people have this too! He further explained that there isn't really any research for well... any patients of any cancer except breast cancer regarding this issue, and in those studies it was found that it could take months to a few years for symptoms to improve. He explained to me that my treatment was significantly more intense than what they receive so there's a good chance it will take much longer for it to improve, and I may never get back to how I was before cancer. He must of said that I might never get back to how I was before cancer in three different contexts so this is something that I will need to learn to accept. This one is difficult for me. It used to be so much easier than it is now.

Those were the two main things that were discussed. It was a really long day. Traffic was horrendous on the way back home. We left around 8:30 in the morning, and didn't get back until a little after 6. I only had one class in school so that's all I missed.

Want to hear something surprising? In the past year I've had at least 50 trips down to Philly, and not once did I eat a Philly cheesesteak. I got one at a food truck while I waited for my oncology appointment, and I hate to say this, but I was a little disappointed. The bun ruined it. I expected a greasy, almost soggy bun, but the bun was chewy, and the sandwich wasn't really greasy at all. If it was in a brown bag there wouldn't have been much of a grease stain in it. It still tasted good, but it just wasn't what I was expecting.

That clip is too funny! My mom and I both agreed that we just hit a dud of a food stand. I'm sure the next time will be much better. There was a whole lot filled with food trucks that was only a block down from the hospital. We noticed it on the way out, and we'll be sure to check that out next time for sure.

A few weeks ago my friend Steven Dotzel held a whiffleball tournament for me and my family. It was a nice day out; I wish his team won though. Thanks again guys.

Looking ahead- I see my surgeon the week of Thanksgiving to see how my arm is healing. 

Last thing I want to say. This holiday season is going to be so great. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New years I won't have to deal with being so sick from chemo/surgery like last year. I can't wait!

Update

It's been three weeks since my last update. Here's how everything has been going since then...

First I'll start out with the bad. My second week of school I had my first test. I prepared for it really well. I understood how to do every problem from the homework, and I was ready to receive a really good grade on my first test since returning to school. I received my Physics test, and we were given 45 minutes to take it. I began to read the first problem, and couldn't concentrate at all. About fifteen minutes passed and nothing was on the paper, but my name. At this point I began to panic making it even more difficult to concentrate, and also I began to feel very tired. I honestly felt like laying my head down for a little bit, but I already lost a lot of time. For the last 20 minutes I finally got a little bit of focus, but the damage was already done. I rushed to get whatever I could on the test, but my thoughts were filled with so much negativity that I couldn't give all of my attention to my exam. I scored a 15%. I didn't see any scores lower than mine. The lowest I saw saw a 50. This was the worst grade I ever received. Doing poorly on a test in school isn't something that should upset anyone. There's much worse things that can happen to you. Much worse things..., but this test meant so much to me. I wanted to do well to prove to myself that I can still do well. I wasn't going to let cancer take success in school away from me, and on that test it did.

Since then I have made adjustments. I cut my studying down to 1-2 hours a day on average. On some days I don't study at all. (Now one thing to note is that during the first two weeks of school I studied for my classes exactly like I used to. Which is a lot of time studying. Like double or triple what I'm spending now.) I'm eating even better than before. I've gained seven pounds in the last three weeks. My goal is to get to 155 which would be the heaviest I've ever been. I'm 147 now, and I think I look more healthy than before. I also am resting more now. Before when I would get home from school I would oftentimes be forcing myself to study, but now I listen to my body and just rest. When I'm feeling my best I study, and if I don't...well then I don't open a book. On test day I don't do any more than 15 minutes of studying before the class. Other than that I'm resting in the library, or doing anything that doesn't require brain or any other energy. Like watching Youtube, listening to music etc. You're probably thinking that with this strategy I would be underprepared, but I've been doing much better. I scored a 100% on my second quiz in Physics, and mostly everyone did worse on the second quiz than the first. I received over a 100% on both of my tests in Matrices. I received the best score in the class on both. This plan helps me save energy and also improves the chances of me being concentrated on a test.

One more thing to add to what I wrote about above. Now that I've been in school for a few weeks, I'm finding that it's difficult to concentrate sometimes. I've been dealing with this for a while, but I was thinking that it had to do more with fatigue, but I feel this way even when I don't feel tired at all. Like for example, I used to be able to do homework in the kitchen with everyone talking, the TV blaring in the background, and not have any problems. But now I can't. I can barely watch TV while talking to anyone, and forget it with homework. That needs to be done in my room with the door shut, and no other noise. I find multitasking to be much more difficult now than before.

I got a haircut yesterday. I didn't plan it this way, but exactly one year ago I got a "haircut." I lost a little bit more hair last year though... Just three weeks into my treatment last year I was already bald. It's still thin, but its getting thicker. The fuzzy baby hair is falling out now. Everyday I'm pulling out more and more hair from my head.

  

One Year Ago.

Today.

To expand on what I mean by that I'm eating better, here's what I have changed with my diet. I would say that I'm eating the same volume of food as I was before, but I'm eating more calorie dense foods. For example I used to drink water with every meal, but now I try to drink milk whenever I can. Right there that's an extra 500 calories in a day, and I'm not filling my stomach any more than if I drank water. I've really cut down on water, and swapped it for drinks like milk, vitamin water, and soda here and there. I don't really drink soda much though. Mainly vitamin water, and milk. And yes I do know that just because it's called vitamin water doesn't mean its good for me. I just like the taste of it. I also try to snack more which is something I rarely ever did. Granola bars, Triscuit, potato chips, ice cream, whatever. Snacking comes in handy when I'm really into studying, and get a little hungry. I'm not really a breakfast person so I just drink a carnation instant breakfast before I go to school which is a lot better than not eating breakfast. These are all small adjustments that do help a lot. 

My arm is still sore a lot of the time. I'm usually taking Advil twice a day which really makes me cringe. Almost two years ago I began popping the advil for my "muscle strain." It's especially sore in the morning. I haven't really exercised it since starting school. This is because I felt I was already using it enough on a daily basis, but I think that if I do the stretching exercises in the morning that it will help relax the muscles in there. That's really the only thing I can do for it. I still have to wait until the end of November at the earliest to start strength training. I'll try that, but if this doesn't improve I will be scheduling an appointment to get it checked out.

I don't think I ever mentioned this on here, but last year before starting treatment I stored sperm in the case that the chemotherapy damaged sperm production. Well to make this short I'm very glad I did because last week I was tested and found out I'm sterile now... It was really discouraging to be told that, like there wasn't even one swimmer in the sample! The cost to keep my sample from last year is costly, but its my only chance of having children. My future children are frozen in a test tube for now.

It's been a pretty eventful three weeks since my last update. The main thing I learned or I guess reinforced is that I can't get frustrated when I can't do what I used to be able to. My health is a lot different than what it was two years ago, and getting frustrated and upset isn't going to help. The most important thing is to stay positive, and to not be afraid to exit your comfort zone. Just because one way worked before doesn't mean it'll work now. You just have to adapt, and make change. Getting back to a normal routine following chemotherapy isn't easy, but it's not impossible either.

I have my six month scans coming up. I'll have them sometime in early October.

Back to School

This week I returned to school! Here's how this week went...

On Sunday I was so excited to go back to school. Not like a college kid's first day of college excited, but like a five year old on Christmas eve excited. Yeah... I was extremely excited, and how could you blame me? My number one goal after my health related goals from the cancer treatment was to return to school. Returning to school is the ultimate indicator to myself that my life is moving forward from the destruction that this past year caused. School brings a little bit more "normalcy" to my life.

I made sure I had all of my school supplies and books etc. I double and triple checked it. I checked my registration status and my class schedule online a dozen times; Half of the time in disbelief that I'm actually going back to school, and the other half making sure that everything is ready and I didn't screw up the registration after the confusing leave of absence process. I was obsessed with making sure everything went smoothly for the first day, and as far as preparation with supplies, and enrollment went; it did.

The first day generally went well. I got to my classes on time. I was an hour early to my first class because I was just that anxious to go to school. Arriving on campus(I commute by the way), and walking to my first class brought with it many emotions. I couldn't help but think how lucky I am to be going back to school when so many other kids aren't so lucky. Some of these people I have gotten to know over the last year through blogging, and had the same cancer as me. Kids with bright futures that were cut short because of this cancer. Now I'm not sure if my scans will be clean three months from now or ten years from now, and that's why I treat every day as a blessing... That applies to school in that I treat every second of every class like its the last time I will ever be strong enough to be in college.

It was a big day for Joey too; first day of high school!

I answered questions, took notes, and did my reading. I answered a lot of questions in my first class; Computer Engineering. I felt that I needed to get that out of my system. It was out of character for me to participate so much. I probably answered more questions than I would have last year combined in that one class. It was a big confidence booster for me.

This first week I only had 3 classes. Well technically I had four different classes, but I only had three at one time. More on that in a bit. My Math professor was away so I only had three of my four classes this week. Originally I had Spanish on my schedule, but after just two days of the class I realized that it was going to be too much work and stress for me. I haven't used spanish since my junior year of high school which now makes ~3.5 years, and it seems that college spanish is much more intense than the high school stuff. I need two units of a foreign language which is equivalent to four years of high school Spanish for the Computer Science major(which doesn't make sense to me at all especially considering it is the only major in the engineering department that requires this). Well anyway, I dropped it and scheduled Econ in its place. I dropped what would have been the most difficult class on my schedule in Spanish, and added Econ; the easiest class on my schedule. To sum up the difficulty of my courses:

-Physics: My most difficult class; I'll need to work hard to get a good grade like I did with my previous Physics class.
-Computer Engineering: Easy
-Matrices: The topic is interesting so I'll do well.
-Econ: Very Easy

Your probably wondering how I did this first week physically. If I had to grade it I'd give it a 70%. Tuesday and Thursday were easy because I had only one class those days. They were recovery days for me. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday were exhausting. I'm there from 9 a.m until 3 p.m. My four hour break (which will become three hours next week with the addition of the Math class) is spent eating, studying, and napping in the library. By the time I get home I just want to eat and sleep. I could drink coffee like all of the other college students, but I'm extremely picky with putting any type of drugs or supplements in my body after receiving a lifetimes' worth of chemicals in the past year. I have to make sure I eat well, get adequate sleep at night, and keep my stress levels down. Dropping Spanish helped reduce my stress by a lot! My arm ached all week so I was popping the Advil to keep the pain down. My arm is simply not ready to be carrying a backpack, and writing notes all day yet. I think I needed at least another month for my arm to be ready for school. The last thing to note here is that using the handicapped parking makes a big difference for me. Especially since I would have to walk up a pretty steep hill if I didn't have it. This helps me not only conserve energy, but also limit the added wear and tear on the unstable hardware in my arm right now.

I have more that I want to write about, but this is already pretty lengthy...maybe I'll write another blog post in the next couple of days.

I'm so happy, and thankful to be back in school!

Surgery Follow Up

Yesterday I had a follow-up appointment for my surgery. I don't have to wear the sling anymore which is great! That thing was getting really annoying, and now I could start using my right arm again. Right now it's really stiff and painful, and I lost a lot of flexibility. She suggested that I just start out slow, and work my way up but don't progress to anything crazy like swimming or shooting hoops for at least six weeks from now. I can drive now, but I have to be really careful because I can't react quickly with my arm at this point. I didn't have an x-ray yesterday because it's way too early to tell if the bone graft is taking. I will go back for my next appointment at the end of November. Then I will have an x-ray, and hopefully it will show that it's finally taking, and I could move onto strength rehab(cross fingers). In summary when the end of November comes around, my arm won't feel any better than it did before my second surgery, but if the bone is taking then I did make progression towards having a more functional arm.

As far as I feel now... I feel o.k. Not great, but I think good enough for school. Surgery definitely set me back a bit. I haven't slept well since surgery, and that's because I had a really difficult time getting off of the painkillers. I took them longer than last surgery because my hip was a lot worse this time. Yesterday the first thing my surgeon asked me was not how my arm felt, but how my hip felt. She feels bad for how hard she was on it in surgery. I still have a little bit of pain in my hip, but I have only been taking tylenol for it. Walking isn't really that bad surprisingly. I mean it was difficult to walk the first week after surgery, and I was using a cane to get around the house, but it has gotten better. It's at its worst now when I lay down and that's why my sleeping got so messed up. I was taking dilaudid every night which would put me right to sleep, but when I tried to stop taking it I couldn't fall asleep. I moved on to taking ativan for a sleep aid which worked well until one night I was in so much hip pain that I couldn't fall asleep after taking it so I decided to take dilaudid for the pain. Bad idea! The two drugs used together made me so sick the following day. Since then I haven't taken anything to help me fall asleep, and I have finally adjusted as of a few days ago. I also lost some weight which is really bad for me since I'm already pretty thin. I've been eating well the last few days, and I'm trying my best to put some of that weight back on.

I go back to school on the 25th which is this Monday. I'm a little nervous about not being physically ready for it. Like this weekend I got a haircut(first haircut since August of 2013!), and afterwards I walked around the city for a little bit. I walked half of a mile, and was sooo tired. I'll be using handicap parking so I won't be walking that distance on a daily basis for school, but it's scary that I was so tired after walking only half of a mile! Getting back to a regular schedule, and being up and about every day is going to be a hard adjustment to make physically. The first things I thought after walking that distance was, "That was pretty rough", and "I hope I'm ready for five days a week of this for the next 4 months."

Remove the physical part of the equation, and I could say there is no doubt that I'm ready to return to school. Missing the past year of school really really stunk. There is no activity from my pre-cancer life that I wanted to do more this year than to go to school. One thing that was really difficult for me going through cancer was seeing everyone else's lives keep moving forward while my own just stopped. This Monday I get to return to what I missed so much this year. I can't wait!

Arm Surgery #2

On Tuesday I had surgery on my arm and hip. The procedure went well and I have no signs of nerve damage. I can move my fingers, and wrist freely. This time I was given a patch before my surgery to help with the nausea and it worked! I was a little bit allergic to the patch(my chest and arms got hot and red. It looked like I was sunburnt), but the pros far outweighed the cons. I only threw-up twice which is a lot less than last time. The surgery went as planned except for the surgery's duration. I was told it would take 1-2 hours, but it ended up taking almost 4 hours! When I woke up from the surgery and noticed that my surgery took a lot longer than expected I was really afraid to hear bad news(remember the mri on my arm didn't prove there was no cancer in my arm; it was clear with the little visibility of the scan, but it didn't show the whole picture). That was the type of news I was fearing, and was largely the reason why I threw-up in the hospital. Then they explained the reason my surgery took so long. It was because they had a difficult time scraping my hip for the bone cells. The nurses told me that if they knew that my surgery was going to take that long then I would have been cathed. Luckily for me I wasn't, but it was extremely difficult to pee. It took me so many tries and it wasn't until my last chance that i finally had success. Getting cathed was next because I was retaining too much fluid. It was funny in the end because the nurses were celebrating for me.

My arm scar was mostly reopened, and the scar on my hip is longer than the last time. There are 28 stitches in my arm and 10 in my left hip. My arm isn't as sore as the last time, but the hip is worse. I've been on the Dilaudid the last couple of days and it has made the pain mostly bearable. I had morphine in the hospital, but I switched to Dilaudid because it works better.

This time I have a little more restrictions from the surgery. I'm not allowed to use my arm for anything. I can't even use it for simple things like eating or typing. This post is all typed purely left handed. No stretching or anything. My arm is to stay in this sling and that is all.

I only stayed one night at the hospital and was discharged late Wednesday. Yesterday I was fighting to stay awake too much, and I felt like garbage. I slept through the majority of today, and I feel much better. I still get nauseous from time to time now that I'm off of the patch. I just take Ativan or zofran to combat that. My hip hurts a lot, but my arm isn't nearly as bad. Granted my arm hasn't been tested yet. It only bothers me if I sit straight up due to the gravity on it. I'll be wearing a sling for the next two weeks, and I'll be using my cane until it gets easier to move about. My arm and hip are both pretty swollen.

Hopefully this makes sense. I'm tired and can't think perfectly straight right now.

All in all the procedure was a success. Thanks for the prayers and support. Now hopefully my humerus will start to union. That is next.

Some pictures:

Joey

Mom

Drainage from my hip

Betadine was all over my arm. I think they did that for sarcoma awareness!

Those stockings are comfy

The hemovac drains( I had one for my hip and one for my arm like last time)

The Incision

Surgery Tomorrow

I'm in Philadelphia right now sitting poolside at a hotel. Just a few hours ago I had an x-ray on my arm. The radiologist thought there was a little bit of growth, but my doctor doesn't believe there was any at all. There was a chance that I wouldn't have surgery, but at the last appointment I was told that it would take a miracle for this procedure to not be necessary. Whether there was any growth or not, I need to have this surgery because the longer that this isn't fused the more of a risk I will run for the hardware failing. With school coming up soon, this is the best thing for me to do.

The surgery is going to happen tomorrow. The procedure is pretty much a toned down surgery from December. I will have my left hip opened up in which they will scrape my hip for bone cells, open up my arm, and put those bone scrapings in the gaps between the cadaver and my humerus bone fragments. The procedure can take anywhere from a little over an hour to over two hours depending on how easy it is to get in my arm. The incision is going to be longer than I expected. She believes that most of the previous incision will be opened again. My surgery will be at 11:00 am and I'll be staying the night. Most of the same risks apply to this surgery as the last one, and the recovery time will be similar as well. She said that if there is anything questionable in my arm; it will be sent to pathology for study(Lets hope there is none of that tomorrow). If this doesn't work there are other options so this is not the end. I was happy to hear that since I was putting a lot of pressure on this surgery's success. There's not really much more to say. Keep me in your prayers tomorrow for the surgery to go as planned. Please pray for no nerve damage from the procedure(I was very fortunate to not have any last time), and no sickness from the anesthesia, or at least minimal sickness please!(I was very sick last time from it).

Cancerversary

Exactly one year ago my journey began. In early June I had an appointment with my local orthopedic surgeon to get my shoulder/arm checked out. The x-ray that day showed nothing so he scheduled an MRI and a follow up appointment for July 22nd, 2013. I walked into my appointment hoping that I didn't tear my shoulder.... the worst case scenario, or so I thought. That day there was no closure on what was wrong with my arm. There was a mass found in my arm, but he didn't know what it was. He said it was probably a hematoma, but could be a torn tricep, or....cancer. I was absolutely shocked. How could I have cancer? Young, healthy people don't get cancer! I walked out of the appointment hoping for the torn shoulder or hematoma...my old worst case scenario. The world I had known was flipped upside down in a matter of minutes.

For the next grueling five weeks I had numerous tests to figure out what was going on in there. Week after week passed, and never would I return home with good news. The list of possible diagnosis dwindled down only removing the "good" ones, and keeping the bad. Finally on August 29th as I walked into my appointment for my second opinion I received the phone call telling me that I have Ewing's Sarcoma.

The first week of September I received my first dose of chemotherapy. That same week I decided to start this blog, and well...the rest is history. I fought a very had battle with my toughest opponent, and today I'm three months cancer free. When I had my first day of treatment I wondered how I would ever be able to reach the end. Thirty-six days of very harsh chemo drugs, and a surgery to have a pretty good chance of beating this cancer was very daunting. I went through most of the year really sick, and tired, but when the time finally came it was all worth it. I was declared cancer free!

I am still not where I want to be physically, but I have grown so much in the past year mentally and emotionally. For as difficult this past year was I gained so much more than I ever could have imagined. I have learned a lot from my own struggles with my diagnosis as well as all of the support you have all given me from the beginning. This experience has helped me become a more complete person.

Next Tuesday, (July 29th) I will have my second surgery for my arm. I have an appointment on the 28th where I'll find out more about the procedure. If I have time I'll update between then and surgery.

(By The Way) It's sarcoma awareness month, and it would be great if you supported Miles2Give. They're running around the perimeter of the country for sarcoma. You can donate by clicking here.

Three Month Scans

On Friday I had my three-month post treatment scans. And they were.....clean! The final report isn't available yet, but my oncologist was pretty convinced that they were clean from his examination during the appointment. (I had my chest cat scan a few hours before the appointment so that's why they weren't looked at by the radiologist at that point). My oncologist said that he would call if anything was caught on the scan. It's monday so I think I'm safe now which is why I waited to post anything on my blog until now.

This was my first follow up appointment to check for signs of recurrence. It was also my first time at Radnor since my final day of treatment. The last time I was in that building I was exhausted and sick. On Friday I was a completely different person than I was on March 21st. It was great to see my nurses. They were so glad to see me so healthy. It was the healthiest they have ever seen me. 

The appointment went well. He answered my questions about some of the side effects I'm still experiencing. I'll sum it up below along with an update of how I am healing from my treatment.

The neuropathy in my fingers will take a very long time to get better if it ever does. He warned me that there's a good chance that this will be permanent. That was tough for me to hear considering I will be using my fingers a lot every day in my computer related job someday, but I can manage. It's noticeable in the morning, but gets better in the day. It's the same every morning though and not getting any better from day to day. Its really bad when there is a change in temperature. For example, when I go swimming. What scares me is that's only a minor reduction in temperature. What's it going to be like in the winter?

My lack of energy will improve with time. I have improved a lot since the summer began, but I still have those days where I'm exhausted, but have really no reason to be so tired. The one-a-day vitamins have helped since I started taking them a few weeks ago. He did warn me that my return to school this fall will not be easy. Especially because I have my surgery less than a month before I go back. I'm getting a handicap parking permit to help make my return to school easier.

And that's it. My three main side effects are my arm, fingers, and energy. My hair is coming in well. Though its really thin still. It looks exactly like it did when I was a baby according to my mom. My weak fingernails have almost worked their way out. My oncologist is happy with where I am now at this point and considers my treatment a success apart from my arm at this point.

So what is it like to have the three month scans? I've only had one checkup so far, and have so many more to go, but here is what it felt like for this first one. For the most part I haven't dwelled on the upcoming scan. Of course there were times that I would really think about it and stress out. Time went so fast for me over the course of the last three months until last Monday. Time just slowed down. The reality of the scan; the seemingly harmless five minute scan of my chest; the scan that could turn my world upside-down again. Time continued to move slower throughout the week, and finally stopped as I entered the office on Friday. There aren't words to describe the fear pulsing through my body as I waited for my oncologist to enter the room and share the results of the scan. It was especially difficult as he looked at the images of the scan on the computer. It was completely silent in the room as he was analyzing the images. I wasn't sure what to think as he's pointing at the screen, and looked extremely deep in thought. It seemed to take hours. And then he looked at me and said that it looks clean from his analysis. I was so happy. Time went back to normal for me. The 90 days to enjoy before time comes to a stop again.

On a lighter note I have really been enjoying what I used to do when I was healthy. (the stuff I can do). Last week I played soccer and kickball in the yard with my cousins on the 4th of July. I've been enjoying the summer heat by swimming in the pool. I just played bocci ball the other day and its really fun. When I'm inside I'm getting ready for the fall semester by taking an online computer science class. These are all milestones for me. Having energy helps so much! I felt like my brain was mush for the duration of my treatment from the fatigue I had. Even though I feel that its so much easier to think now, I still don't have any common sense. (If you know me you know that I don't have any common sense). I just call that "chemo-brain" now lol.

Last thing. This month is sarcoma awareness month as you should all know now. Please spread awareness for this cancer. Also keep all of the people battling sarcoma in your prayers.

My Arm

So yesterday I had my appointment with my surgeon to discuss the progress of my arm. I had an MRI, and X-Ray at 8 a.m followed by an appointment  with my surgeon at 10:30. I was a little late to the 10:30 appointment because the MRI took so long though. I don't know why but the test took around 90 minutes. Before my MRI's would take 45-60 minutes. I also had to wait a while for the machine to be open which contributed to being late. By the time I was finished with the MRI, and X-ray it was 11:00. The length of the scan probably had something to do with the different MRI machine I had to use this time. I had to use a special machine because of all of the metal in my arm. The only difference I could tell with the machine was that it felt really hot in the scanner. I was sweating like a fiend in there; I thought I was going to pass out.

Here are the results from the tests. The good news is there is no recurrence of the cancer. The bad news is that my humerus isn't fusing with the cadaver bone. There was no new bone growth since my last x-ray(April 4th). This was the bad news I was kind of expecting to hear today. Like I have been mentioning; improvement in my arm has plateaued. This is why I expected to hear that my arm hasn't taken the cadaver yet. I asked my surgeon if I will know when my cadaver fuses, and she said that I won't be able to tell when it does. Only imaging tests will be able to prove whether my arm is well...becoming a fully functional arm again. I asked about the pain I have in my arm, and she explained two possible reasons for this to me. One could be that from the bone not being fused yet. Another could be as a result from the plate in my arm rubbing against the muscles, and other tissues in there. It seemed like she was leaning towards the second reason, but she said we'll just have to wait and see. She was happy with my arm function aside from the strength. She told me that I'm one of her best outcomes for this surgery that she has had when it comes to arm flexibility. She gave me a lot of credit for all of the rehab I have been doing on my own because a lot of people limit their end function due to their lack of dedication to exercise. It was evident in how much I have worked to get where I am now. I couldn't take all the credit though. She is one of the best in the country for what she does.

The next step for me is to have another surgery to hopefully jump start bone growth in my humerus. I'll need a bone graft from my left hip this time. Those bone cells from my hip will be used to fill in the gaps between my humerus, and the cadaver. This didn't work last time because the chemotherapy killed off the graft. I decided to have my surgery late July because this will allow me to enjoy the bulk of the summer, and also give me enough time to heal from the surgery to be ready for school. One thing to note is that my arm will not be at full strength when I begin school. It might not even be fused at that point. This is going to be a lengthy process. Just how long? No one can answer that question. What I do know is that it could take months, and in some cases never work. But, the first step is for my arm to fuse with the cadaver. That's all I'm worried about for now as far as my arm goes.

All things considered I was still happy with how everything went yesterday. I mean... things could have gone much worse. There are a lot of worse things that could happen to me that relates to my cancer. Before I started this journey back in August, I wanted just two things: To survive, and to keep my arm. So far I have gotten both of my wishes. The possibility of having a mostly functional arm when this is all finished is just icing on the cake.

Well anyways, today I'll be at my brother Brian's high school graduation. Congratulations to everyone graduating today! Happy father's day this Sunday to all the dads out there!

Two Months Free from Treatment

There's not much to report on other than my hair coming in really fast now. Everything else is about the same that I have been mentioning. It's really nice to see my hair coming in the way it is now. The hair is really fuzzy on my head which everyone seems to like except me.

Over the weekend we had a yard sale. My cousins, and my brother Joey worked a lemonade stand to raise money for sarcoma research. I was so happy that they did this. Thanks again guys! It was also my cousin Samantha's birthday. She's 8 now!

Nice Job!

It was really nice weather over the weekend. I have to take extra care to cover up the scar on my arm when in the sun to prevent it from burning, and also my head until my hair grows in more. A sunburnt head is not fun, I had that last year when I cut my hair too short. My arm will burn really fast if I don't protect it. The scar is still red right now. Since I have a pool, and plan on swimming a lot this summer, I bought a swim shirt (link to shirt). I won't have to worry about putting sunblock on if I wear the shirt which will be nice. It should be here tomorrow; hopefully it fits.

On June 12th I'll have an MRI, and x-ray of my arm in the morning, and an appointment with my surgeon in the afternoon. I'm not sure what to expect as far as the results from the scans go. I've been dedicated to exercising my arm, but I'm not seeing the improvement that I would have liked so far. I went outside to test my arm by shooting hoops, and it was better than the last time (which was a little over two weeks ago), but not by much. That could have been only because I really warmed up well before trying though.

Hopefully there will be more bone growth in my arm so I can move on to the next step of my rehab. My next update will be after my next appointment.

1.5 months free from treatment

Since my last post, I have seen some improvements in my health. Here's the rundown in where I am now.

-Hair. A few days after my update on April 18, my remaining hair fell out(legs, and eyebrows). My whole body was completely bald at that point. About a week after that I began to notice my head getting fuzzy. Within that week most of my body had at least a little bit of stubble. I actually shaved my face twice in the past few weeks. Pretty awesome since I haven't shaved since September. Right now I look a lot more "normal." I was never really embarrassed in losing my hair, but it's definitely nice to have it back. Give me another month or two, and I bet I'll have a full head of hair.

-Neuropathy. I'm not sure, but I think its improving. I mainly notice it in the morning upon waking up. At this point it's not really that bad at all. The ridges on my fingernails are still working their way out. While I'm on the topic of nerve related stuff, my upper quad is still numb. I asked my surgeon about my arm being numb along my scar, and she said that's expected. I guess that means it's permanent. I'm starting to feel that this leg is going to be permanently numb as well. I can live with it though. It really never bothers me except when I get itchy in that spot. Its frustrating because I can never satisfy the itch. If I itch there, it makes the whole area just burn, and gets more itchy. I'm going to see my surgeon in a month so I'll ask about that then.

-Fatigue. I finally felt "ready" to start a little cardio this week. I went on the treadmill on Monday. I walked half of a mile, and I probably could have done another quarter of a mile, but I was getting sore. Mainly my knees, and ankles were sore. They're just not used to exercise now. My joints didn't feel bouncy like they used to, but that'll come with time though. It is definitely great to see my energy improving. This week I've tried to do 15 minutes of exercise a day. I took Tuesday off to rest my knees, but on Wednesday I dribbled a basketball for a while. And yesterday I shot the basketball for a little bit. This leads me into my last point.

-My arm. I still haven't really seen much improvement in my arm since treatment ended. I'm good with all of the flexibility exercises with the exception of just a few, but my strength is just not there. Dribbling was awkward for me, and a little painful. I can honestly say that my left hand is better than my right at dribbling now. By a lot. For example. My arm doesn't move fast enough to do the different moves I try right now. This has more to do with the strength in my arm than anything I think.

And yesterday I tried shooting. I was a little bit too optimistic in trying to do this though. Before I went outside to take my first shot; this was my expectation of what was going to happen. I was going to easily go through my shooting motion. Swish a few close shots, and then just shoot around like I normally used to. Afterwards I thought I would be kicking myself for not doing this earlier as it would not be too painful, and just an overall enjoyable experience. Well....to put it bluntly I was completely wrong. My first shot was very painful, and almost made me call it quits right then and there. I can't extend my elbow on my shot because it hurts my shoulder too much. I shot around for maybe 5-10 minutes before calling it quits. I was getting too sore, and winded. My shooting range....no more than 3 feet away from the basket. I really have to use all of my strength just to get the ball up there. I admit that I was really disappointed with that yesterday, but I'm also really glad that I went out and tried. Now I know where I stand, and I have a goal to achieve.

I think my false optimism about my arm comes from the fact that I haven't really pushed my arm to the limit yet. I had no idea what was going to happen yesterday before I tried what I did. I can get through most of my daily activities without noticing the limitations in my arm at all. But getting a cereal box out of the cupboard, and shooting a basketball are two different things. I  never realized how heavy a basketball is until now. I do like what I have done this week as far as exercise goes however. It's more challenging than what I've been doing, and that's what I think I need.

My arm is really sore today, but not really a muscle type sore that you get from lifting weights. It's hard to explain. My shoulder just feels like it has nothing to give, and it's swollen too. I wasn't sure yesterday if I was pushing it too hard. How I feel today leads me to believe that I was indeed pushing it too hard. I'm going to just stick to dribbling, and walking on the treadmill until I feel that I'm ready to shoot again. That sounds like a plan right? I recorded my first shot on video; you can watch it below.

Thank you for the donations you have made to my page for Miles2Give. You can donate here Michael Judge's Fundraising Page.

I'd also like to wish all of you moms out there a Happy Mother's Day

Miles2Give

On Tuesday I was in New York City for the start of the Miles2Give tour. For those of you that don't know what Miles2Give is. It is a run around the United States to raise funds for sarcoma research. The team consists of four runners, and they will run 10,000 miles in the next 8 months for this great cause! They will run counter-clockwise starting in NYC, and end their tour in NYC sometime in December. The goal of Miles2Give this year is to raise $500,000 for sarcoma research for the Huntsman Cancer Institute in Utah. The research grant will go to a very well respected research team there. The team is making lots of discoveries in Sarcoma which is really exciting. This funding will help push that research further, and hopefully lead to better treatment in the future. Check out this video below.

Now that you know a little bit about the Miles2Give event. Here was my experience on Tuesday. On Monday my mom, Aunt Diane, and I traveled to NYC since the event started at 7:30 in the morning the next day. It was only my second time to New York. The following day we got up early, and made our way to Times Square where the event would soon begin. Good Morning America was live there which was really cool. While we were waiting I got on camera, and if you were watching the show at that time you would have seen me on it. I thought that was pretty cool! While we were waiting for the team to arrive I met Paige Peterson from the Huntsman Cancer Institute. She is a three time cancer survivor beating Lymphoma, Breast, and Brain cancer. We talked for a while, and she gave me some tips. One thing that she said was that having cancer makes you ageless. She couldn't tell whether I was 14 or 35 right now. We couldn't believe she was 60. She looked much younger than that. One important tip she gave me was to question everything the doctor tells you. It forces the doctor to think through your case even more. It took her 5 opinions from many well regarded hospitals to get the treatment she needed for brain cancer. If she didn't have her surgery, I would have never met her on Tuesday. I did the right thing in going to a good hospital like U of P. Who knows where I'd be if I had gone through my local hospital for my treatment.

Lots of pictures below:

Then "Life Elevated" (the name of their RV that they travel in) came into Times Square, NYC.

Next, I met each of the runners, and gave each of them a t-shirt and a wristband. They loved the shirts!

Me with Team Miles2Give

Then, we all held hands in a circle, and Landon Cooper(founder of miles2give) said a nice prayer before starting the run. What inspired him to start Miles2Give was his dream to run across the country, and the passing of his friend to Ewing's Sarcoma gave him a cause to do this. 

Landon then asked us to travel in "Life Elevated" for their first mile of the run. That was really awesome. Inside the vehicle are signatures of sarcoma warriors. It really showed me that I'm not alone. There are many other sarcoma warriors out there. The entire vehicle was covered in writing. I didn't even know where to sign my name. I decided to sign on the ceiling. I forgot to take a picture of that though. I wrote a little message that read: "Don't stop Running," and signed my name.

Another thing to mention is the paint on the runners' faces. They dedicate each day to a sarcoma warrior. They write the person's name on their faces for the day. The first day they ran for a 37 year old man with pulmonary artery sarcoma for example.

Inside the vehicle:

The plan for the day was for the four main runners plus the volunteers to run the first mile together to Central Park. Then, they condensed that to just one of the main runners, and the volunteers for the remainder of the day. When we reached Central Park we got more pictures before saying goodbye and wishing them the best of luck.

Miles2Give in Central Park

By this time I was really tired. The combination of just finishing treatment, and the really cold weather drained me. We made our way back to the hotel, and we rested. I must say that I did surprise myself in how I handled the day however. 

After some rest my Uncle Paul picked us up, and we went to his work for a tour. He works at CNBC, and that place is awesome! It was interesting to see all of the technology that goes into broadcasting the channel. It was really a great experience to end the day with.

My day in NYC was a really great one. It was the most fun I have had in a long time. It was so wonderful to meet such amazing people who are so genuinely interested in helping all of us sarcoma warriors out there. When I met these people it was immediately evident in how passionate they are about this great cause. They talked to us like we were family. 

As I've mentioned before sarcoma gets the least amount of grants from the government of all cancer types which really hinders the development of new treatments. Like Landon said, "Sarcoma is the least funded cancer in the universe." There are many great scientists out there who want to create better treatments for sarcoma, but can't because they don't have the necessary funds to get their research projects started. And that is a very sad reality. Many types of sarcoma don't even have a standard treatment while the more common types of cancer have 2nd, 3rd, and even 4th lines of treatment. Miles2Give gives us all great hope for a better future by raising this much needed funding.

I hope that by the time they make their way back to NYC in December that I can be running with them. That is my goal...

If you want to donate to Miles2Give. You can do donate to my page here Michael Judge's Fundraising Page.

One Month Free from Treatment

At this point since I have finished treatment, and cancer is potentially behind me. I plan on keeping this blog updated with my recovery from treatment. Mainly of my arm(which does have a long way to go), and the general recovery from chemo. My big goal right now is to be ready to go to school in the fall. The question with my arm is whether the cadaver will fuse. If it doesn't, I will have surgery; which will need to be moved up to avoid missing a few weeks of school. I just hope my next tests show a lot of improvement.

My last day of treatment was March 21st. Now that I'm about one month free from chemo; here are my thoughts:

It's going to take a while to heal. During the last three cycles I often imagined what recovery would be like. At first I thought it would be a lot like it was when I had my break before surgery. In that one month break I recovered pretty well, and felt really well by the end of it. I mean,  I felt so good that I was jogging on the treadmill during that break. But as I got through these last three cycles I began to doubt that idea. Mainly because the side effects were much more severe during this period. I quickly began to realize that my body was going to get broken down like never before. And now that I'm one month out, I can verify that this was correct. 

At this point the side effects that I have are the side effects that I have dealt with since the beginning. The more acute things like mouth-sores, reflux, bone pain, and nausea are gone. The main side effects that I have right now are listed below.

-Hair loss. I just started noticing a little bit of stubble on the top of my head. Other than that the entirety of my body is bald with the exception of a few eyebrow hairs, and my very patchy lower legs. The extreme hair loss from my chemo regimen is definitely real. I lost about 95% of my hair.

-Fatigue. My hemoglobin was low on my last test, but I can't blame it all on that. Let's face it I'm very out of shape. This is the most out of shape I will probably ever be in my life. One weird thing to note is that throughout my chemo treatment I actually gained weight. I gained about 5 lbs. But I did lose a lot of muscle. I especially notice it in my legs. My lower leg is basically all bone. There isn't much muscle there anymore, and I also have stretch marks on my hips. The other day I wanted to see how  high I could jump, and it was pretty sad. I barely got net, and almost hurt myself on the landing. My shins couldn't take the impact at all, forcing me to collapse when I came down. I won't be trying that again for a while. Once it starts getting consistently nice outside I will start walking. 

-Neuropathy. My fingertips are still numb. I'm not sure if it has improved at all in this time off. It's especially bad when I wake up in the morning, or when I go out in the cold. To add to this I also have very brittle fingernails. I have lots of ridges on them. Keeping them as short as possible is key right now.

These things will improve. The question is....how long?, and that's what I'll be documenting along the way. With all that I've been through, these symptoms that I still have are no big deal to me. I feel so blessed everyday to be given this second chance at life, and that overshadows how I feel physically.

I almost forgot to mention this. I'm getting my port out today. I can't wait to get this thing out. It did it's job really well, but if I'm not using it, then I gotta lose it. I considered keeping it in for three months, but I feel like keeping it in is like telling the cancer that, "I'm ready for another game." And I don't want that at all. I'm retired, and I hope that I don't ever have to come out of retirement.

Lastly, keep my friend Greg Hamilton in your prayers as he continues to battle sarcoma. Also keep all of the other people battling sarcoma in your prayers as well. If you have the chance please like this page on Facebook to support him. https://www.facebook.com/chemocozy

Have a happy Easter!

edit: I just missed out on posting this before my surgery today. The port removal went well. I'm really tired right now, but not too nauseous.

Scans are Clear!

I had a lot of good news today. At my oncology appointment I heard the news I have been waiting for, for so long...my scans are clear, meaning there is no evidence of the cancer in my body right now. My bone scan, and CT scan results were very boring which is good. The reason why I needed more images of my hip on the bone scan was because of my bone graft. It was creating a false red-flag, and so was my arm. Other than those two areas, there was nothing exciting about the bone scan test. The CT scan only showed the same nodule from before. It didn't change in size which means that it doesn't have anything to do with my cancer, and is nothing to worry about.

My blood-work was pretty good, but I'm still anemic which explains why I'm still tired. I'm not going to take my daily supplement pills this week(Magnesium, and Potassium), and if my blood results are fine checking for those two supplements I will be done with those pills. That'll be really great because I always hated taking those pills. The last piece of really good news for me was that I'm getting my port out. It might be next week or the week after. It depends because I'm going to be busy next week.

My appointment with my surgeon also went well. The results were pretty much what we expected. There is new bone growth on both ends of my humerus, but it has a long way to go before it closes the bridge with my cadaver bone in there. I wish I had a picture of the x-ray to show you, but there are gaps on both ends of the cadaver where it meets the ends of my own humerus. This is a start though which is good. My arm is a little bit stronger, and the flexibility is getting there. There is one movement that I struggle with, but everything else really impresses her. I'm also starting to get some muscle tone on my arm back which surprised her considering all of the chemo I was receiving. I'm still limited on weight to 8 lbs, but I can play basketball as long as I avoid anything that might cause me to fall. Which means I'm just limited to shooting around, but I'll take it. At this point were hoping that my humerus fuses with the cadaver by my next appointment in two months. If it doesn't then I might have to have another surgery to help it fuse. Now that I'm finished with treatment, new bone growth will come a lot easier so hopefully it works.

Thank you everyone for your prayers. I am a living example of the power of prayer, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Anxious

I forgot to add this in my last post, but I get my scan results on Thursday April 10th. I also have an appointment with my surgeon that day. In my last post I explained that I'm not going to read my results when they become available online. They just became available this morning. I'm standing by what I said, and I will not check them. This last week has been really stressful for me, but I've gotten through it. During the day I try to keep as busy as possible. I do anything to keep my mind off of things like play video games, watch TV, computer work etc.

Adding on my previous post. What makes post treatment such a scary thing for me is the lack of control that I feel. When I was receiving treatment I monitored side effects, and managed them accordingly. I handled the treatment well, and only got off schedule at the end. Having a lot of delays can impact the effectiveness of the chemo. When it comes down to it, the only control I really had with beating this cancer was just that; managing side effects, and making sure my body was ready for the next dose of chemicals. While what I just mentioned isn't really going to matter that much, it does certainly help. Most of the factors that go into beating this are completely out of my control. But now that I'm (hopefully) finished with treatment, the little bit of control that I had is now gone.

The scans themselves weren't too bad last week. I've gotten used to them by now. I had an X-ray of my arm, CT of my chest, and Bone scan. The bone scan was 45 minutes long. It would have been 30 minutes, but they had to rerun some tests which I don't know what to make of. After the normal 30 minute scan finished the technician consulted a doctor over the phone, but I don't know if it was my oncologist. The doctor wanted more pictures of my pelvis, and chest. They did 10 minutes on my pelvis, and had me at a different angle from the first time, but the chest was the same as it was during the test. I don't like that they spent so much time looking at my pelvis since it wasn't that long during the 30 minute scan originally. I hope there's nothing there. I was going to ask the technician why I was getting more pictures, but I was too afraid to ask. I have no pain in those places. The only discomfort I have is in my back, but I think that's from poor posture using the computer. The CT scan was quick, and easy like last time.

On Thursday a lot of my lingering questions will be answered with these tests. Like that lung nodule on the scan in November. They said its nothing to worry about, but that they would keep an eye on it. A lot of people have them, but as I have come to learn from my cancer diagnosis: nothing surprises me anymore. I will have closure on that. I haven't mentioned my back to anyone yet, but I have had a dull ache in the center of my back for about a month now. This is an example of what I mentioned in my last post. Anytime I have some lingering pain I'm going to be freaking out. I doubt it's anything, but again nothing would surprise me. I'll also find out the status of the healing in my arm on Thursday. It'll probably be the same news as last appointment because of the chemo preventing me from healing.

I think what makes me most anxious about Thursday is the clashing sides of the news I could hear then are. It could be the worst news I hear since my diagnosis on one end of the spectrum. It could also be the best news I hear since I began this journey; the news we've all been waiting for. There really isn't anything in between. If there is any sign of the cancer no matter the size it's really bad news for me, but if it's gone then it's all good. If its gone I will finally feel ready to begin my next journey in returning back to "normal life."One thing I do have on my side is that the weather is supposed to be great on Thursday. Good weather has been a good omen for me since the beginning. Yes, I'm that superstitious. I plan on wearing all of lucky clothes on Thursday. Anything to improve my odds(at least in my mind).

From my first day

Over the last two week I have finally gotten back to work on getting my arm better. I pushed it too hard the first few days though. I was doing the stretching three times a day(which is what I should be doing), and strength work once a day. That was too much because it made things worse forcing me to take a few days off. Now I'm taking special care to heat my whole arm before(which I was doing), and also ice my arm afterwards. I also removed the strength work, and reduced the stretching to twice a day for now. What really frustrates me about my arm is my wrist irritation. I have a vein in there that has been bothering me for a while now. If I don't heat my elbow, and wrist really well I can't extend my elbow all the way without it straining that vein. It's really annoying. I hope all the cancer is gone, and I'm finished with treatment so things like this could heal already. Remember when I blew that vein on my first day of treatment? It still didn't heal yet. It got better, and visibly looks healed but it's still sore.

I'll keep you guys posted about my results. I'll try to get them on here on Thursday, but if it's too late I'll have it on here on Friday for sure.

Keep me in your prayers on Thursday as I receive the results of my tests, along with all of the other people going through the same thing I'm going through now.

Scans

These past several months have been very stressful for me. It has been a roller coaster ride as far as stress goes. My peak stress would be when I was being diagnosed. Uncertainty is something I really don't like. None of us do. And back then there was so much of it. I was thrown into a world where I knew very little. I had never even heard of a sarcoma before, and in just a few weeks from my first appointment I would find out that my "arm strain" was really an aggressive bone cancer. Believe it or not, my stress dropped a lot when I found out the diagnosis. I finally knew what was wrong with me, and I was ready to do whatever possible to be cured. I was more stressed during the first three cycles, and surgery than these past three cycles. I would be constantly feeling my arm to verify that the tumor was shrinking. My fear of the treatment not working was obsessive. After surgery I hit a low in stress over the past year. The cancer was out, scans were clear, surgery went well, and I had just three more cycles left of chemo. Over these last three cycles I have seen my stress progressively increase. The fear of leaving active treatment is scary. When I had treatment ahead of me I felt more secure than I do now. The completion of treatment creates one devastating question. A question that just isn't going to go away for a long time. Will the cancer come back? The stress is getting worse at a faster rate each day. Now that I know my scan date of April 4th, I am already getting that scanxiety. I'm not going to read my results online when they become available this time. I don't want to get myself worked up over nothing like the last time.

I don't really enjoy explaining this, but its an aspect of this cancer that has really bothered me since the beginning, and as followers of this blog I think you should know this. I'm going to explain this once, and really simple here.You may remember a few posts back when I discussed Ewing's Sarcoma in great detail. Metastatic disease at diagnosis is really bad. It is the biggest factor when it comes to the prognosis of this disease. Want to know what's just as bad if not worse than that? A recurrence. When this disease recurs it will most likely be in the lungs or other bones. In my particular case I have about a 10% chance of this recurring. I'm not sure I like that number, but I'll take what I get. It could be worse I guess. I just don't like the idea of playing Russian Roulette every few months when I have scans. If this is going to recur it's going to most of the time happen in the first two years so it will become less stressful with each clean scan.

To sum up that last paragraph...I have very good reason to feel scared, especially when I'm anticipating scans. If I didn't feel this way then there's something wrong with me. I'm very well informed of what this disease can do in reading news articles, and other Ewing's blogs. I'm well prepared to take on anything that happens, but let's just hope that my post on Wednesday is my last regarding treatment.

I think that the only thing I have to combat this stress is to ask myself one simple question...Has the treatment been a success so far? The answer is yes. As far as I know the cancer is all gone. That's only current as of November, but I haven't had any scans since then to disprove that.

There is one last thing I want to talk about here. It's something I ask of you.

You're going to be alright. Please don't say this to me. Unless of course you have seen the future then don't say this to me. I know that you mean well, but you, and I both don't know what the future may bring. Here's the reason why I really don't like to be told this. In the beginning when I was going through the works of tests to see what was going on in my arm I heard this so many times. Everyone was telling me that I didn't have cancer, especially bone cancer, that it was just a muscle strain back then. At first I ignored it, but after being told this so many times I finally gave in and started to actually believe that I was just going to have some benign tumor. Then the mri results came in, and quickly brought me back to reality. There was not one good line of text on that page. I remember coming home from that appointment really resenting all of you for fooling me into believing that all was going to be ok on that test. Telling me this over and over again when I was worrying only made it more painful for me when bad news struck. So again please don't think that you're going to magically make me feel less stressed by telling me that my scans are going to be clear, and I'm going to be alright because you don't know that. I'm very stubborn in my way of thinking, and you're not going to change that. The only thing that both you and I can do is pray, and hope for the best.

I just finished treatment, and this blog post discusses things that aren't too cheerful. I'm sorry if you were expecting me to feel different, but if you've been reading this blog then you should know that this blog is as real as it gets. This is how I feel right now. These fears have always been in my mind since the start, but now that I'm finished they are now much more apparent. I feel like getting this information on here is really necessary because it helps you better understand what I'm going through.