Anxious

I forgot to add this in my last post, but I get my scan results on Thursday April 10th. I also have an appointment with my surgeon that day. In my last post I explained that I'm not going to read my results when they become available online. They just became available this morning. I'm standing by what I said, and I will not check them. This last week has been really stressful for me, but I've gotten through it. During the day I try to keep as busy as possible. I do anything to keep my mind off of things like play video games, watch TV, computer work etc.

Adding on my previous post. What makes post treatment such a scary thing for me is the lack of control that I feel. When I was receiving treatment I monitored side effects, and managed them accordingly. I handled the treatment well, and only got off schedule at the end. Having a lot of delays can impact the effectiveness of the chemo. When it comes down to it, the only control I really had with beating this cancer was just that; managing side effects, and making sure my body was ready for the next dose of chemicals. While what I just mentioned isn't really going to matter that much, it does certainly help. Most of the factors that go into beating this are completely out of my control. But now that I'm (hopefully) finished with treatment, the little bit of control that I had is now gone.

The scans themselves weren't too bad last week. I've gotten used to them by now. I had an X-ray of my arm, CT of my chest, and Bone scan. The bone scan was 45 minutes long. It would have been 30 minutes, but they had to rerun some tests which I don't know what to make of. After the normal 30 minute scan finished the technician consulted a doctor over the phone, but I don't know if it was my oncologist. The doctor wanted more pictures of my pelvis, and chest. They did 10 minutes on my pelvis, and had me at a different angle from the first time, but the chest was the same as it was during the test. I don't like that they spent so much time looking at my pelvis since it wasn't that long during the 30 minute scan originally. I hope there's nothing there. I was going to ask the technician why I was getting more pictures, but I was too afraid to ask. I have no pain in those places. The only discomfort I have is in my back, but I think that's from poor posture using the computer. The CT scan was quick, and easy like last time.

On Thursday a lot of my lingering questions will be answered with these tests. Like that lung nodule on the scan in November. They said its nothing to worry about, but that they would keep an eye on it. A lot of people have them, but as I have come to learn from my cancer diagnosis: nothing surprises me anymore. I will have closure on that. I haven't mentioned my back to anyone yet, but I have had a dull ache in the center of my back for about a month now. This is an example of what I mentioned in my last post. Anytime I have some lingering pain I'm going to be freaking out. I doubt it's anything, but again nothing would surprise me. I'll also find out the status of the healing in my arm on Thursday. It'll probably be the same news as last appointment because of the chemo preventing me from healing.

I think what makes me most anxious about Thursday is the clashing sides of the news I could hear then are. It could be the worst news I hear since my diagnosis on one end of the spectrum. It could also be the best news I hear since I began this journey; the news we've all been waiting for. There really isn't anything in between. If there is any sign of the cancer no matter the size it's really bad news for me, but if it's gone then it's all good. If its gone I will finally feel ready to begin my next journey in returning back to "normal life."One thing I do have on my side is that the weather is supposed to be great on Thursday. Good weather has been a good omen for me since the beginning. Yes, I'm that superstitious. I plan on wearing all of lucky clothes on Thursday. Anything to improve my odds(at least in my mind).

From my first day

Over the last two week I have finally gotten back to work on getting my arm better. I pushed it too hard the first few days though. I was doing the stretching three times a day(which is what I should be doing), and strength work once a day. That was too much because it made things worse forcing me to take a few days off. Now I'm taking special care to heat my whole arm before(which I was doing), and also ice my arm afterwards. I also removed the strength work, and reduced the stretching to twice a day for now. What really frustrates me about my arm is my wrist irritation. I have a vein in there that has been bothering me for a while now. If I don't heat my elbow, and wrist really well I can't extend my elbow all the way without it straining that vein. It's really annoying. I hope all the cancer is gone, and I'm finished with treatment so things like this could heal already. Remember when I blew that vein on my first day of treatment? It still didn't heal yet. It got better, and visibly looks healed but it's still sore.

I'll keep you guys posted about my results. I'll try to get them on here on Thursday, but if it's too late I'll have it on here on Friday for sure.

Keep me in your prayers on Thursday as I receive the results of my tests, along with all of the other people going through the same thing I'm going through now.