10 Year Survivor

Hi everyone, its been a while. I think this might be the largest time gap between posts. I've had a tough time with this entry, coming back to it from time to time over the last several months. Every time I finished editing I just did not like it and scrapped it. Hopefully take 4 is the charm, lets get into it.

Late in 2023 I became a 10 year survivor and also turned 30. It was a deep time of reflection for me. There were many questions I asked myself, but the most challenging ones included:

•  Why am I still here?
•  Am I happy?
•  What changes do I need to make to become happier?
•  Am I ready to make those changes?
•  What are my goals?
•  What has gone well these last 10 years?
•  What do I want to do better going forward?

Very deep, uncomfortable topics and questions I had been stressing about, but avoiding for years. It was both empowering and deeply saddening to reflect on these topics.

I hated to admit it at the time, but I was very unhappy. I was going through the motions. I was surviving, but not thriving in the way I wanted to. Where I wanted my life to be was so far away from reality that it scared me. I thought, "How am I supposed to right this ship." In the last 10 years I've only focused on survival. I was waiting to be "cured", but every time it came back, the clock restarted. I came to realize that I needed to stop waiting for things to be perfect to start living my life.

Right off the bat it was pretty clear I needed a change of scenery. There were just way too much bad memories for me in Richmond that I felt moving somewhere else would be best. Of all of the office locations in Capital One's footprint, the Dallas, Texas office was the clear top choice for me. Warmer weather, much larger, and more stuff that interests me going on. Hospital system is an upgrade. There are professional sports teams and more of a sports culture that I felt was significantly lacking in Richmond. There were no real downsides to a move to Dallas other than being even further away from my family in terms of miles. Otherwise it's an excellent fit.

The next change is much more challenging for me. And that is being more social. Socially, I've always had a tough time, but after going through cancer it has become even more difficult. My anxiety has gotten significantly worse as a result and oftentimes I'm very uncomfortable in my own skin. I had opportunities in Richmond, but almost always declined them. When I was in active treatment I usually did not feel well, and then when I was out of treatment I felt too anxious to go out. I was very isolated and socially withdrawn as a result.

Next up, is getting some psychological counseling. When I recurred to my arm in late 2022, I felt like my psyche literally shattered. It broke me. In hindsight I now wish I got help then or really even before that moment... I have received help in the past though. The first year after my initial therapy completed my mental health got progressively worse. My oncologist at the time explained to me that cancer oftentimes brings out the worst of anxiety for people. If you were susceptible to anxiety disorders, a stressful and prolonged experience like battling cancer almost always brings them out. It was hard trying to just reintegrate back into life like nothing happened, and I guess in some ways I still never have (but I'm trying!)... I really had a hard time getting through my sophomore year of college. It was really bad... I still remember walking in to a final exam 30 minutes late because I could not stop washing my hands. That summer I sought help with therapy. I was diagnosed with OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The therapy along with medication helped get me back to a functioning state so I could continue with school. The therapy ended once I went out to college. It's kind of crazy I never got help again considering there were 4 relapses to deal with after that. Combine that with the fact I was living alone. The day to day support I relied on the first time was not as present. The way I coped with it all was absorbing myself with my work and other distractions like tv shows, movies, and videogames. When stressful events occurred my anxiety would spike and along with it the OCD symptoms would start to eat up my time as well. I could not even imagine anything further in the future than 3 months ahead. I was living scan to scan which is a hard way to live...

In April I made a trip to Dallas, I checked out the area along with 10 different apartments and pulled the trigger on one. I actually just moved here 1 month ago! I've had ups and downs since moving here, but overall my happiness is on an upward trajectory. My new place is new, really nice, and has a ton of natural light which has helped a lot on its own. Dallas has so much to offer that I'm never bored. I'm adding items to my "places to checkout" list faster than I can check stuff off of it. Meeting people is hard, but being open to it is half the battle. I wasn't ready to invite people into my life before, but now I am. I'm being very intentional about being social for really the first time in my life which is both exciting and scary for me at the same time. It's taken every fiber of my being to get off my couch and go to some of these social activities I've been attending. Sometimes I've chickened out, I'll admit, but when I do go I'm always glad I went. I've found that there are so many other people that are looking to make connections too which has made me feel less insecure about it.

I've joined a gym, and a church. I attended a different church every week since moving here and the one I chose I really like. I've attended a few one-off events like fireworks and music shows at a park near my place. The farmers markets are cool. I've gone to some bars (not during peak hours though, that's too much for me). I've gone to museums and parks. There's more, but you get the idea, I've probably gone out more in Dallas than I did in 7 years in Richmond.

I probably need to slow down, but I'm afraid to slip back into old habits. I'm constantly looking for that next thing to try with a focus on activities that are just outside my comfort zone. One of these is joining the young adult group at the church. I think it'll be really good for me to be there. I learned a lot about it talking with someone at a breakfast event that was at the church this past weekend. I'm also very interested in trying out Pickleball. Pickleball is very social and easy to pickup. It looks fun, but that'll be more of a stretch goal for me.

I've gotten involved in volunteering. I always wanted to volunteer before, but the social aspect always paralyzed me into staying home. I helped clean up one of the lakes right when I moved here. That event is held monthly and I plan to be a regular. It was crazy how much trash we picked up. People need to do better about littering. I probably picked up 50 cans of soda/beer. I'm also helping out at one of the animal shelters. I love dogs, but never had one myself. It is heartbreaking to see so many animals needing homes. This shelter is the 3rd largest in the country and there were hundreds of dogs there. They need all the help they can get. I'm not ready for a dog myself, but we'll see how many times it takes for me to end up bringing one home.

I never even attempted dating in Richmond. I've gone out on a few dates here which would be unthinkable to me a few months ago. I won't use dating apps, so these were all girls I met organically. Some went well, some didn't, but the key is that I'm actually seeking out new experiences now and will continue to learn and grow.

UTSW (my new hospital) has an incredible setup for mental healthcare. They have a Psycho-Oncology department and I will have my first appointment next week! I hope to work through a lot of the issues I've struggled with there. I think the help I receive here can really unlock a lot of things for me.

I know this is a lot to take in. I've largely held back sharing the mental health aspect of my story up until now. You are probably both upset and happy reading this. Upset about how bad things got, but encouraged with the steps I am taking to better myself. It has been a tremendous challenge. The people closest to me have been extremely supportive and have really kept me grounded throughout all of these changes. They help me celebrate my successes and provide the needed support when I need it. Overall they are all so happy for me which makes me even happier.

I know that things are going to work out. I really do believe that. For the first time since my diagnosis I actually feel like I am in control of my life. The first step was the hardest. For me it felt impossible for so many years, but now that I'm moving I know I can get to a destination I can be happy with. I know there are going to be ups and downs, but thats what makes it so exciting.

For people that are out there struggling, I hope this gives you hope. Know that you are not alone and things will get better when you are ready for it. And that time will come.