It's been three weeks since my last update. Here's how everything has been going since then...
First I'll start out with the bad. My second week of school I had my first test. I prepared for it really well. I understood how to do every problem from the homework, and I was ready to receive a really good grade on my first test since returning to school. I received my Physics test, and we were given 45 minutes to take it. I began to read the first problem, and couldn't concentrate at all. About fifteen minutes passed and nothing was on the paper, but my name. At this point I began to panic making it even more difficult to concentrate, and also I began to feel very tired. I honestly felt like laying my head down for a little bit, but I already lost a lot of time. For the last 20 minutes I finally got a little bit of focus, but the damage was already done. I rushed to get whatever I could on the test, but my thoughts were filled with so much negativity that I couldn't give all of my attention to my exam. I scored a 15%. I didn't see any scores lower than mine. The lowest I saw saw a 50. This was the worst grade I ever received. Doing poorly on a test in school isn't something that should upset anyone. There's much worse things that can happen to you. Much worse things..., but this test meant so much to me. I wanted to do well to prove to myself that I can still do well. I wasn't going to let cancer take success in school away from me, and on that test it did.
Since then I have made adjustments. I cut my studying down to 1-2 hours a day on average. On some days I don't study at all. (Now one thing to note is that during the first two weeks of school I studied for my classes exactly like I used to. Which is a lot of time studying. Like double or triple what I'm spending now.) I'm eating even better than before. I've gained seven pounds in the last three weeks. My goal is to get to 155 which would be the heaviest I've ever been. I'm 147 now, and I think I look more healthy than before. I also am resting more now. Before when I would get home from school I would oftentimes be forcing myself to study, but now I listen to my body and just rest. When I'm feeling my best I study, and if I don't...well then I don't open a book. On test day I don't do any more than 15 minutes of studying before the class. Other than that I'm resting in the library, or doing anything that doesn't require brain or any other energy. Like watching Youtube, listening to music etc. You're probably thinking that with this strategy I would be underprepared, but I've been doing much better. I scored a 100% on my second quiz in Physics, and mostly everyone did worse on the second quiz than the first. I received over a 100% on both of my tests in Matrices. I received the best score in the class on both. This plan helps me save energy and also improves the chances of me being concentrated on a test.
One more thing to add to what I wrote about above. Now that I've been in school for a few weeks, I'm finding that it's difficult to concentrate sometimes. I've been dealing with this for a while, but I was thinking that it had to do more with fatigue, but I feel this way even when I don't feel tired at all. Like for example, I used to be able to do homework in the kitchen with everyone talking, the TV blaring in the background, and not have any problems. But now I can't. I can barely watch TV while talking to anyone, and forget it with homework. That needs to be done in my room with the door shut, and no other noise. I find multitasking to be much more difficult now than before.
I got a haircut yesterday. I didn't plan it this way, but exactly one year ago I got a "haircut." I lost a little bit more hair last year though... Just three weeks into my treatment last year I was already bald. It's still thin, but its getting thicker. The fuzzy baby hair is falling out now. Everyday I'm pulling out more and more hair from my head.
To expand on what I mean by that I'm eating better, here's what I have changed with my diet. I would say that I'm eating the same volume of food as I was before, but I'm eating more calorie dense foods. For example I used to drink water with every meal, but now I try to drink milk whenever I can. Right there that's an extra 500 calories in a day, and I'm not filling my stomach any more than if I drank water. I've really cut down on water, and swapped it for drinks like milk, vitamin water, and soda here and there. I don't really drink soda much though. Mainly vitamin water, and milk. And yes I do know that just because it's called vitamin water doesn't mean its good for me. I just like the taste of it. I also try to snack more which is something I rarely ever did. Granola bars, Triscuit, potato chips, ice cream, whatever. Snacking comes in handy when I'm really into studying, and get a little hungry. I'm not really a breakfast person so I just drink a carnation instant breakfast before I go to school which is a lot better than not eating breakfast. These are all small adjustments that do help a lot.
First I'll start out with the bad. My second week of school I had my first test. I prepared for it really well. I understood how to do every problem from the homework, and I was ready to receive a really good grade on my first test since returning to school. I received my Physics test, and we were given 45 minutes to take it. I began to read the first problem, and couldn't concentrate at all. About fifteen minutes passed and nothing was on the paper, but my name. At this point I began to panic making it even more difficult to concentrate, and also I began to feel very tired. I honestly felt like laying my head down for a little bit, but I already lost a lot of time. For the last 20 minutes I finally got a little bit of focus, but the damage was already done. I rushed to get whatever I could on the test, but my thoughts were filled with so much negativity that I couldn't give all of my attention to my exam. I scored a 15%. I didn't see any scores lower than mine. The lowest I saw saw a 50. This was the worst grade I ever received. Doing poorly on a test in school isn't something that should upset anyone. There's much worse things that can happen to you. Much worse things..., but this test meant so much to me. I wanted to do well to prove to myself that I can still do well. I wasn't going to let cancer take success in school away from me, and on that test it did.
Since then I have made adjustments. I cut my studying down to 1-2 hours a day on average. On some days I don't study at all. (Now one thing to note is that during the first two weeks of school I studied for my classes exactly like I used to. Which is a lot of time studying. Like double or triple what I'm spending now.) I'm eating even better than before. I've gained seven pounds in the last three weeks. My goal is to get to 155 which would be the heaviest I've ever been. I'm 147 now, and I think I look more healthy than before. I also am resting more now. Before when I would get home from school I would oftentimes be forcing myself to study, but now I listen to my body and just rest. When I'm feeling my best I study, and if I don't...well then I don't open a book. On test day I don't do any more than 15 minutes of studying before the class. Other than that I'm resting in the library, or doing anything that doesn't require brain or any other energy. Like watching Youtube, listening to music etc. You're probably thinking that with this strategy I would be underprepared, but I've been doing much better. I scored a 100% on my second quiz in Physics, and mostly everyone did worse on the second quiz than the first. I received over a 100% on both of my tests in Matrices. I received the best score in the class on both. This plan helps me save energy and also improves the chances of me being concentrated on a test.
One more thing to add to what I wrote about above. Now that I've been in school for a few weeks, I'm finding that it's difficult to concentrate sometimes. I've been dealing with this for a while, but I was thinking that it had to do more with fatigue, but I feel this way even when I don't feel tired at all. Like for example, I used to be able to do homework in the kitchen with everyone talking, the TV blaring in the background, and not have any problems. But now I can't. I can barely watch TV while talking to anyone, and forget it with homework. That needs to be done in my room with the door shut, and no other noise. I find multitasking to be much more difficult now than before.
I got a haircut yesterday. I didn't plan it this way, but exactly one year ago I got a "haircut." I lost a little bit more hair last year though... Just three weeks into my treatment last year I was already bald. It's still thin, but its getting thicker. The fuzzy baby hair is falling out now. Everyday I'm pulling out more and more hair from my head.
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| One Year Ago. |
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| Today. |
My arm is still sore a lot of the time. I'm usually taking Advil twice a day which really makes me cringe. Almost two years ago I began popping the advil for my "muscle strain." It's especially sore in the morning. I haven't really exercised it since starting school. This is because I felt I was already using it enough on a daily basis, but I think that if I do the stretching exercises in the morning that it will help relax the muscles in there. That's really the only thing I can do for it. I still have to wait until the end of November at the earliest to start strength training. I'll try that, but if this doesn't improve I will be scheduling an appointment to get it checked out.
I don't think I ever mentioned this on here, but last year before starting treatment I stored sperm in the case that the chemotherapy damaged sperm production. Well to make this short I'm very glad I did because last week I was tested and found out I'm sterile now... It was really discouraging to be told that, like there wasn't even one swimmer in the sample! The cost to keep my sample from last year is costly, but its my only chance of having children. My future children are frozen in a test tube for now.
It's been a pretty eventful three weeks since my last update. The main thing I learned or I guess reinforced is that I can't get frustrated when I can't do what I used to be able to. My health is a lot different than what it was two years ago, and getting frustrated and upset isn't going to help. The most important thing is to stay positive, and to not be afraid to exit your comfort zone. Just because one way worked before doesn't mean it'll work now. You just have to adapt, and make change. Getting back to a normal routine following chemotherapy isn't easy, but it's not impossible either.
I have my six month scans coming up. I'll have them sometime in early October.
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